The African nanny of your dreams works for me in Ghana - 10 tips for Moms, Dads looking for a world class caregiver

Our nanny wakes up at 5:30 a.m. every day. She puts my son at the school bus in front of our gate at 7 a.m. then at 9 a.m., and she catches her bus to school too. Charity Asare is learning new skills. She is an incredible woman in her late twenties who has gone from petty trading to become the world class caregiver. I've always wanted to tell our story; today is as good a day as any.

with Charity in November 2016 in Accra, Ghana

" Madame, I am going," she said as she peeped through my bedroom window this morning.

While my son and I had traveled out of town for two months, she had asked to go to school.

Charity’s school uniform drip

The week before we left, which was back in September, I had asked her how she would stay busy.

" Madame, I want to go to school," she had said.

I told her to find whatever she wanted to study, and I would pay. While I was away, she texts to say that she wanted to learn baking and that she had found a school. It would cost $600 for the course. I wired her funds, and she texted back, thank you.

This is my first week back at home in Accra, and when she came into my room to say goodbye was the first time I was here for school. When I saw her in her white and orange polo uniform, my whole heart beamed. I loved this woman, and I am so proud of her.

Charity came to work for me 6-years-ago. She worked with her mom as a petty trader in Teshi-Nungua. Someone brought her to help me with laundry, but she was hardworking and punctual, and in time, I gave her more responsibilities. Back then, she didn't speak much, and if she spoke, it was only in Twi. Someone would translate, and we would communicate. After several months I realized that she understood way more English than I had been led to believe. My assistant, who found her for me, used language to create a hierarchy so that to access Charity or for Charity to access me, we had to go through them.

Once I learned this I stopped it instantly. It took Charity about a year and a half to break out of her shell and be free. But when I sent her to adult education classes for five months when I was on maternity leave, she blossomed. She became a different person.

In February 2016, I moved into a new house in Adjinganor, and Charity asked to move in with us to help me with Olu, who was just a couple months old then. She has been my live-in nanny and lifeline to our family ever since. We have weathered all the storms, from newborn mega vomits and poops of destruction, scary toddler trips to the emergency room and now eye rolls and backtalk from the current man-boy we raise together.

I have heard many a horror story about nannies in Ghana, Sierra Leone, Africa, and beyond. Some people have gone through so many nannies they give up. Others have strong feelings against paid childcare altogether. I respect everyone's decision and perspective, but I have a world-class nanny.

Charity and I have an incredible relationship. While she is not a family, she is a full-time member of my household. We eat the same food. Watch the same TV. And love the same child. The lines of employer and employee are there, I pay her salary and medical, and whatnot, but she is my co-pilot. My son loves her, and she loves him equally. Their relationship is separate from mine to him and her to me.

I know there is no way to pre-empt or understand what's in people's hearts, and good people have bad experiences with caregivers and everything in between. Notwithstanding, I would like to share what I think are the reasons why Charity and I have grown to have the kind of relationship that we have:

1. Your nanny must trust you. I always do what I say I will do and honor all the promises and commitments I make to her.

She knows my word is my bond, so she trusts me. Trust is the essential thing in any relationship. While most people worry about trusting their nannies, I believe what's most important is that we earn our nanny's trust. If there is trust, there is no fear, and if there is no fear, there is an open and honest line of communication. I earn my nanny's trust by being a person of my word.

2. Lead by example.

Yes, even in your own house, you have to demonstrate leadership. Don't want her to beat your child, don't hit your child. Don't want her to feed your child Indomie don't have it in your house. If the kid must be in bed at 8 a.m., don't keep the kid up beyond that time.

3. The golden rule for all my instructions must be said and applied.

I know that there are other ways to do this, I know you may even know a better way but I don't want someone else's way done to my child because I have a precise plan and idea of the kind of human being I am trying to raise. The nanny needs to understand this as it is the nanny golden rule.

4. When your nanny makes mistakes, delay your response and reaction to her.

In the instances that result in some adverse outcome for Olu (like putting a cup of tea on a table near a 2-year-old), I focus my energy on restoring the child's well being and allow Charity to do the same. Then when I know I am less angry a day or a week later (because it took me that long to calm down my Scorpio demons one time), I explain why the action was problematic and the changes that need to happen. I find each time I delay my reaction, and I react in a manner appropriate for the incident. If I had responded in the heat of the moment, I would have said or done something to break her trust.

5. When something happens that I do not like before I react, I think about the whole person and our entire relationship and history.

I ask myself, is this intentional or intentionally negligent? Does she not care? How often has she done this? Does she understand why this is a problem? Is this woman a bad person? If the answer is no, then you let that guide your actions. My nanny has made mistakes (as anyone is bound to), but she cares for us. Even at her worst, I treat her with the same level of respect as when she is at her best.

6. Set the rules about time off explicit and stick to them.

When my nanny wants to go home, all I need is day's notice. She can take time off whenever she wants as far as I know a day ahead. It is essential for her well being, especially when the nanny lives with you that she can go and come as she pleases. I honor her requests for days off whenever she makes them. A nanny is not an object or a piece of property to be controlled. Her day-off must be respected.

7. Invest in your caregiver's growth and professional development.

Four years ago, when I went on 5 months' maternity leave, I made sure she went to adult literacy classes. She had dropped out of school as a teen and could barely speak any English when we met. After the lessons, she improved significantly. She went from telling me what and what she wanted to make the house grocery list. Today she is learning how to bake at her request. Whenever she is no longer working for me, I want her to be able to stand on her own two feet as an independent woman.

8. Don't be jealous of the relationship between your child and your nanny.

Someone once asked if my son and Charity weren't too close? I think their relationship is a gift. The whole point of hiring a nanny is to find someone to support you as you care for your child. They are bound to form a strong bond, especially if, in my case, the nanny is there from conception. Because of their relationship when I leave or travel for work, my son doesn't feel lost without me. He knows he has someone that we both trust who will be there for him.

9. Love comes with boundaries.

While I do love our nanny, there are boundaries. We never talked about this, but it is how it has played out. Charity treats her nanny job with absolute professionalism. She has never brought any relations or lovers or friends to our home. She has a son whom I have met twice in five years. We exchange presents with her family every year, but this is still her place of work, and she acts that way. And I don't pry into her personal life, and I knock before I enter her room. If she is not in, I do not enter. I have never entered the bathroom in her room since we moved in. It is the one place in the whole house I have never been into because again that is her space. There are boundaries.

10. After my child, my nanny is the next most important person in my life.

Her well being is crucial because if something impacts her life, it will affect my son's. So I don't just listen to what she says; I watch her mannerisms, body language, and facial expressions. Whenever I sense she is not okay, I inquire. A majority of the time, she, it is that she is ill. After all these years together, she never feels comfortable saying she is sick, so I make sure her needs her met even if she isn't up for it.

sometimes they were matching outfits :)