Jul 9

Jul 9 In relationships smiling & suffering is NOT a skill

The ability to endure pain is not a life skill. Letting someone subject you to unpleasantness will not get you into heaven. It will not make you rich. It won’t bring you awards. The only reward for suffering is more of it. Suffering is not a skill.

I read a post yesterday that a Nigerian woman who endured 28 years of domestic violence had died. She had been a champion of human rights for the disabled. I couldn’t bring myself to type RIP because peace is what she should have had when she was alive

Twenty Eight Years! SMH!

What would cause me to stay in an abusive relationship for 28 years? The only thing that kept coming back to me was this; if I believe that enduring pain is a sign of strength and that suffering is a virtue then I suppose I would let a man beat me until I were no more. Father forbid!

Suffering is not a skill.

Enduring hardship and suffering are not the same thing. Hardship is not having money to pay your school fees. Hardship is not having a roof over your head. Hardship is working multiple jobs, losing sleep, to provide for your family. Hardships are temporary. They cause us to worry, and make life a struggle; but they are not the same as letting someone subject you to pain and wickedness. Whatever your faith or your calling, if you believe that you were put on this earth to suffer, then someone somewhere has robbed you of your self worth.

Love is a beautiful thing. Companionship and family are what most of us crave because life is better with a loving partner by your side. What part of love though, is synonymous with allowing someone to make you suffer? Perhaps it’s not physical abuse, maybe it’s psychological. You’re being shown and told repeatedly by someone meant to love you that you have no value. They cheat on you repeatedly or they curse at you and use silence and cruelty to condition your behavior.

I’ve been in a relationship where a man who was supposed to be my lover watched me almost choke to death, tears streaming down my eyes because something had gone down my windpipe. He did not move, bat an eye, or raise a finger. Everyone else present was scared and frantic. This man did not move; not during the incident, not after, not ever. It hurt me so deeply in my soul that it took me a week to muster the mind to ask him why. His response was stoic and unapologetic. “There were other people there”, is what he said.

I mean I had already known I had to leave him before that incident, but when my pain and discomfort meant nothing to him and couldn’t get a response I knew that it was over for me. If you can watch me suffer without taking an action whether you caused it or not, there is absolutely nothing, no reason for me to stay with you.

It has been said that you have to be patient with a man. Men don’t mature as quickly as women is what they say and I believe that is true. However, making someone suffer at your hands, by your deeds, and your words isn’t the kind of thing that’s caused by immaturity. Making a woman suffer is what men do when they just don’t care to do better, or when they hate you and feel stuck with you. You don’t grow out of being cruel. And if by happenstance one does, it is not your job as a woman to endure and wait to find out at your own detriment whether they’ll grow out of it.

Maybe it is that you want to marry this man. Somewhere in your mind you believe that if you show him, unconditional “no matter how much pain you cause me I’m never leaving you” kind of love that he might marry you. It is absolutely positive that he will, especially if he is a chronic abuser. The longer you stay the more he knows he has a pawn to control and abuse.

However, do not expect that after marriage this man is going to miraculously transform into Jack Black in the Holiday. Whatever tricks and tools he used to make you suffer before marriage, are well proven, and he will continue to do more of the same. The only difference is that now he’s got a license to reign on you, and you’ve got a diploma waiting to graduate to first degree sufferer.

Suffering is NOT a skill. Learn a new skill here.