There is a secret side to Covid-19 no one here is talking about—sexual relations or rather the lack thereof.

Public health officials here in Sierra Leone say citizens must social distance, wear masks, sanitize this and that but what they have not told us is what to do for sex during this time. As we continue to abide by the guidelines to stop the spread of the coronavirus, single adults in this country who don’t want to end up at 34 Military Hospital Covid Treatment Center have locked bush until further notice. This locking of the bushes is no doubt impacting the sexual wellbeing of a very large section of the population.

As a social scientist who cares about our citizens I have taken it upon myself to prepare ten proven techniques to help anyone who is single (because those who are married their bushes are wide open and we hate them for it) cope with the pandemic sex crisis.

There is no need to thank me. I’m just a concerned citizen always thinking about you and your needs because we are in this together (but separately in our own rooms by ourselves). *She laughs*

Sexless in Salone Survival Tips Below:

1. Do 20 pushups as soon as you wake up. Do another 20 pushups before you go to bed. 

2. Drink water every time you think of his penis. For some of you that might be every 5 mins. Drink up sis. 

3. Cry for yourself. Nobody cares.

4. Sew yourself some hats and tell everyone that you’re being creative 

5. Pray for yourself. Only God can help you now.

6. Download an app to identify plants then walk around your compound like an idiot taking photos of plants. Tell people you’re learning scientific names. 

7. Do some addition by hand: Add SLL 5,916,609,809 + SLL 818,913 + SLL 7,014 + SLL 312 + SLL0.19. When you get the answer clap for yourself. No one cares.

8. Play the last time you got some over and over again in your mind....in slow motion and freeze frame. It will last longer. 

9. Tell yourself you’re officially celibate even if it’s a lie. 

10. Write a blog post to help others dealing with their own sexlessness. Kill time. 

    
    End Note: While you’re here don’t forget to set your alarm for September 3 - 10:30pm - GMT. That’s when an all new season of The Vickie Remoe Show starts on SLBC TV Channel 31. If you need to kill time 😁.